Are Trailheads becoming superheroes? More importantly, will we have to pay Marvel royalties?
Roy discovered a spider bite on his toe the morning after last week’s hike. It was nasty––an oozing hole on this little piggy called “the ring toe.” Did he get it on our hike or in his bed? What’s he doing sleeping with arachnids? He didn’t know where it happened, but the bite hurt.
That morning, Spider-Man Roy hung upside down from the ceiling on his web and kissed Karlenne good morning. Then he made a doctor’s appointment. Would he begin fighting the world's many injustices and using spider webs as his primary mode of transportation? More importantly, would he look good in Spandex???
Trailheads worried that if he became Spider-Man, there would be no more Roy Tumbles cartoons (get some laughs here). His doctor said Roy would live and wrote him an antibiotic script with instructions on caring for his wound.
Then the medic told his patient NO HIKING OR PICKLEBALL! He mentioned that ballet and tiptoeing through the tulips should also be avoided, much to the dismay of Tiny Tim.
So, Roy had an official excuse to avoid this week's hike, but Trail Master Guy demanded to see a doctor’s note (he's a stickler). Roy asked him how he'd like to be wrapped in sticky webbing and left in a spider web for wasps to feast on. Guy backed down toot sweet.
But guess who showed up to hike? George "Frenchie" Hirthler. Last week, he missed the hike because he had Mohs surgery performed on the tip of his nose. The doc grafted skin from his ear to patch the skin he removed. George arrived with his sniffer bandaged but was ready to march.
We wondered what his new nose would look like and where they got the skin to repair his newly damaged ear. He looked good—something like Claude Raines in "The Invisible Man."
Guy led George, Brad, Steve, and Patrick on the Chattahoochee River Loop Trail. We hiked another part of this trail in February (read about it here). In the parking lot, we met a mother and daughter. She was getting her senior picture taken.
Since the young woman's picture would live forever in the yearbook, and her makeup artist and stylist had just left––we congratulated them and wondered where our makeup artists and stylists were. Our faces had some shine.
Trail Master took us on a different route this hike, and we descended a steep hill strewn with rocks and exposed tree roots. Patrick realized he had forgotten his walking stick. He panicked and began screaming, “We’re all going to die,” sobbing like a child who’s had his favorite toy broken. The crew ignored him. He’d have to walk like a human with no artificial support. Could Patrick do that and survive? It was touch and go.
Since a bridge was at the bottom of the hill, we posed for a selfie. We love depth of field in pictures.
Trail Master led us down a narrow path through tall vegetation with tiny signs advertising “no vacancy” for chiggers, ticks, and pests. Steve was wearing his “Chigger Holler” tee shirt commemorating the slaughter Guy led his troops into years ago.
Steve acquired dozens of chigger bites that fateful day––would he become “Chigger Man?” Has Marvel created that superhero character yet? And would Chigger Man be a superhero or an arch-nemesis?
The sky was as blue as Paul Newman’s eyes in Cool Hand Luke. God had the thermostat set to “ROAST,” with lots of heat and humidity. We trudged through the tall grasses, sweating like two-bit hoods under the bright lights of the cop station interrogation room.
We discussed how we only had ourselves to blame for this human-influenced heat wave. But we concluded that Linda Ronstadt's blistering rendition of the song "Heat Wave" in 1975 gave nature the idea. Thanks, Linda.
We finally reached the magnificent Chattahoochee River. Patrick was decked out in the official HOOCH HIKER tee and HIKE THE HOOCH cap (you can get yours here– all profits benefit the Chattahoochee National Park Conservancy). In the distance was the Morgan Falls Dam. It is like the Hoover Dam, except it is named after the little-known yet very popular President Morgan Falls, our 31.5th president, impeached for mail fraud and stealing White House silverware.
Trailheads hiked into a small, wooded area and discovered the trail's end. Not even AllTrails knew where we were. Patrick began screaming, “We’re going to die. I mean it this time!” So, we began backtracking to shut him up.
Once again, we offered our bodies as movable feasts to various insects. The woodland creatures watched from their cool, shady spots, and you could hear their snorts and chortles as we stumbled by. Animals can be cruel.
Finally, we found a wide trail without all the lush vegetation and hiked along the pretty creek. Fio and Elvis went for a drink and a dip. They consider it "Happy Hour."
We watched with our tongues hanging out and talked about the excellent Apple TV+ production of Carl Hiaasen’s novel Bad Monkey. Carl is funny, but without Google, his last name is unspellable. Is it spelled with two "i"s, two "s"s, or two "a"s? Is there a silent "q?"
Next, we carefully crossed the creek. Was this a death-defying act? Probably, especially without walking sticks, water wings, or floaties. We somehow survived.
But because Blood, Sweat & Tears wrote Spinning Wheel, we were victims to their law stating, “What comes up, must come down." Since we had already descended a hill, we now had to climb another.
This journey took a toll on Steve. He was one soaked camper.
The hiking portion of our adventure was mercifully over, and now we would meet Spider-Man Roy for lunch (would he crave flies?). This week, we went off the grid—no barbecue. We were going for burgers! But not just any burger, the legendary NFA Burger in Dunwoody.
Now, we have been known to burger up at lunch. Our friend Steven Hartsock at Socks' Love Barbecue makes a mean, massive, smoked brisket burger, which is special. But this time, we were getting smashed at lunch.
After 25 years in various corporate roles, Billy Kramer (not Billy J. Kramer, who scored a series of hits in the '60s with several Lennon–McCartney compositions) opened this hamburger joint in Dunwoody in 2019, and it quickly became a sensation.
Here's NFA Burger Billy himself. Thrillist selected his smash burger as one of the best in America, Food and Wine proclaimed it the best burger in Georgia, and the AJC and Atlanta Magazine selected it as the best in the city. Patrick had eaten here once before on the recommendation of his son Jack, a burger aficionado, and loved it.
Patrick recently sampled a McDonald's hamburger. He once worked on this advertising account and knew that the Mickey D’s burger shown on TV does not exist in real life. McDonald’s employs skilled food stylists who do painstaking meticulous work to make its food look incredible. If only reality were like what's shown on TV.
Although Patrick's burger was not very photographic, it was pretty tasty.
McDonald's was Roy's first and last job in the food service industry. Ronald did not appreciate him making improvements like a triple-pump of the steam drawer for the Filet-o-fish instead of the prescribed two-pump.
Roy thought the extra pump melted the half slice of cheese better and made for a softer, fluffier bun. He also recommended adding Escargot, Vichyssoise and Baked Alaska to the menu. Surprisingly, his McDonald's career was short-lived.
With all the glowing accolades BFA Burger has received, Trailheads had to taste what the buzz is all about. We were like Wimpy from the Popeye cartoons, ready to put burgers away. Unfortunately, unlike Wimpy, when we said we’d gladly pay Tuesday for a hamburger today, they demanded the payment now.
We wondered if our reaction to the NFA Burger would be like Jules Winnfield’s review of The Big Kahuna Burger in Pulp Fiction––“That is one tasty burger.” We sure hoped so.
NFA stands for “Not F‘n Around”––choose whichever “f-word” you’re comfortable with. The place is tucked inside a Chevron station on Chamblee Dunwoody Rd.
Inside, people lined up to place their orders. The griddle and cooks are in the corner, working hard to supply the incredible demand. A "Big Ass" brand fan was set up in one corner to cool down the place. The weather outside was blistering, and the griddle surface was searing.
Since the location is also a convenience store, you can get a beverage from the coolers or use the soda fountain. Place your order, pay the bill, grab a picnic table outside, and relax, keeping your hunger pangs company.
NFA Burger has food runners delivering the orders. When your brown bag arrives, grab your hot burger with hungry hands and open it like a gift––because that’s what it is.
All Trailheads ordered the classic Double: two 2.75-oz. beef patties, Mt. Olive pickles, American cheese, French’s mustard, and “Sassy Sauce” tucked inside a Martin’s Potato Roll.
From the first bite, you'll know this is a special burger. The beef patties are seasoned well and smashed hard on a hot griddle, producing “meat candy," small, flavorful bits made when the spices combine with the grease and heat. A nice peppery pop takes your palate on a transcendent journey past Flavor Town (bye-bye, Guy Fieri) and straight into Burger Heaven. We wish Hershey’s would begin making Meat Candy–– Trailheads love the stuff.
The simple combination of flavors meshes harmoniously, with the gooey cheese and sauces kissing the savory meat candy-studded patties and a crisp crunch of deliciousness from the pickles. Presented on the canvas of a Martin’s Potato Roll, the NFA Burger is a masterpiece.
Owner and Burger Meister Billy Kramer came by to see how we were doing. We told him about Trailheads and our mission on the path to truth and barbecue and said NFA Burger was the first time in over three years we had varied our lunch menu from barbecue. Billy is a friendly man, and he thanked us for coming. We gave him a Trailheads sticker, and he slapped it on the picnic table.
Later, we chatted with Billy's sister, Nancy, who ran food from the kitchen to the tables. Like her brother, she’s as nice and friendly as can be.
We wrapped up with the crinkly-cut fries, cooked crispy and loaded with flavor. What did we think after lunching on something other than barbecue? Trailheads agreed NFA Burger might be the best we’ve ever had.
Even Jules would agree, “That’s one tasty burger. Even better than The Big Kahuna Burger.”
Rating: Four Ribs*
NFA Burger
5465 Chamblee Dunwoody Rd.Dunwoody, GA 30338
(Inside the Chevron station)
*About Our Barbecue Rating System
Trailheads do not claim to be food experts, epicureans, or sophisticated palates. We are hungry hikers who attack a selected barbecue venue and ravage our way through whatever smoked fare and fixings they're dishing out.
Our reviews feature what we believe are the highlights of the menu we sampled. So our intent is not to trash talk the saintly folks who tend to smoldering smokers on hot, humid summer days. They are sacrificing themselves in the noble art of smoking meats and feeding the drooling masses. Many are independent entrepreneurs who are the backbone of this humming American economy.
Now that you know our standards, you may wonder why every barbecue place gets a four-ribs rating. The answer is easy: our group has acclaimed designers, and they think the ribs graphic looks cool.
Who are we to argue? Enjoy.
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